South Park

Dear Reader, 

Finally Summer weather

I have travelled less in these past weeks. Apart from a few days in London with the padres and a visit to a friend 💂

Everyone is an artist.

I am beginning to feel like I am part of it again. The cycle of home, where you get up, gym, work, eat, chill and sleep. Over and over. A feeling that brings comfort to many, boredom to others. To me, it feels calm and easy. So easy to slip back in and exist here 🥀

People talk of "finding yourself" when you travel. I don't know if that's what I do - I'm pretty sure I found myself already. I don't always know what I want, but most people don't. Or they don't admit it 🌹

People are so complex. 

Wee babe.

I found myself reunited with old colleagues again, this time from teaching. A lovely, random group of people who all ignite in me a familiar feeling. We are of all ages, nationalities and yet have been brought together, multiple times now, because of teaching. The sharing of knowledge. I always did love it ☕ 

And now I have just returned from meeting my colleagues at my remote company. A surreal day of food and laughter. I know who is tall, who gives the best hugs, who likes to be centre of attention. Who is just like I expected them to be, who was better. And I have been reminded, once again by the universe, that everything is balanced. There are those who are kind. And those who are not. 

Once is a mistake. Twice is a deliberate decision. Thrice defines who you are. Yes, I said thrice.

I watched an episode of South Park this morning... Too rude for some, unfunny for others, hilarious for many. 

For me, this brings me back to when I was young (no, my parents did not let me watch it, read on)

I remember seeing my Grandad, in his wheelchair, right in front of the television. Whilst everyone else was elsewhere. He sat in the dark, chuckling. "You can watch it when you're older" he said...

Many years later, as I sat laughing at a random episode, I realised why it looked so familiar. I had seen it fifteen years previously.

Anyway, this morning, Eric Cartman tried to claim a joke as his own. His pal Kyle calmly told them that he believed him. He believed that Cartman really thought that he had created the joke. He explained that this is because Cartman's ego was so huge, it had left him absolutely convinced of his own truth. 

At the end of the day, that's the best anyone can do. Or is it?

I have been left, not for the first time, in a quasi state of mental paralysis. Like many women. And men. My ability to evaluate feels currently incapacitated. Not because of South Park. 

I am a victim. Of many things. But mostly of egos. Those of toxic men. Those of nasty women. The worst, however, being of my own. 

If you know me well, you may be thinking that I am hard on myself. Maybe I am. But you, Dear Reader, are you not also hard on yourself? 🤔 

Or perhaps we are not hard enough? Have you considered the consequences of your actions on other people? The forms that those ripples take as we swim through life's challenges. No matter the intent, how are the consequences? 

Yes.

I am a victim of my ego, no matter what you think. The shadows have taught me much, but this is one of the most important lessons. Coming together like the clouds on a sunny day 🖤 

My reality is my own. No matter what those around me do. I will love the universe, even when it's a vacuous space. 

Never will I forget.

Those who worry for me when I travel, I believe they are wrong. Some of the worst danger I have experienced has been in the safest of places. 

...It is when we are not true to ourselves, that we enter the meadow of thorns...

So, I will no longer let my pride inhibit me from grieving, from feeling pain when I suffer. (Throwback to the Gili Air women's circle 💚)

I will allow myself to wallow in the waters, so that when it is time, I can swim again, with the current, channelling the strength collected from the beautiful places I visit. From the wonderful people I meet. From the vast ocean and the night sky 🌙 

There is a branch just beyond my reach. And when I stand straight, humbled and healed, I will reach it 🌿

And you, Dear Reader, where are the shadows in your life? What are they teaching you? 

Are you the darkness, blocking the light in someone's life? Your own life perhaps? Are you sheltering in someone else's shadow? 

Whatever the answers are, keep swimming though the shadows. Embrace your power. But please, use it kindly 🍂

We live in a world where Tim Tams are now available in Tesco. Let us be better to each other.